How do you build trust with actions?

I have been dumped for being dishonest about looking at porn. I have learnt my lesson and don't want to ruin our relationship which i seem to have done. she says she no longer trusts me. i have tried all the usual gifts, flowers etc and apologised til i'm blue in the face. can anyone recommend any actions that i can do instead of sounding like a broken record keep going on about it. i know she loves me but am worried that this is the end. i am in bits about this and love her dearly. i have said everything and don't know what to do for the best. we are bf/gf with a son and have been 2gether for 7 years approx, so it's not a flash in the pan relationship. i know i have hurt her deeply but my constant apologising and buying her gifts seems to be making matters worse. any help would be appreciated. (I understand that there is no sure fire way to getting my girl to believe me that this will never happen again) i want to try and boost her self confidence if i can.

How do you build trust with actions?
I believe my advice here is good, but it won't be pleasant to hear. Your gf's confidence is broken because she trusted you, then learned the hard way that she couldn't trust you. She made the painful decision to strike out on her own to rebuild her esteem, because she saw, with evidence, that you weren't willing to cooperate. There is no easy or sure way of repairing this.



You know you had your chance to make good on your promises BEFORE you broke them. In other words, by your actions, you told your gf that your words and promises (and her heart) are worthless, and that you are not to be trusted. Why didn't it matter enough to you the first or second time, to do what was necessary? How could your gf possibly believe you, unless she saw you behave in a trustworthy manner over an extended period of time? You didn't do this, and now she's gone.



It really doesn't matter how "sorry" you are, because sorry isn't what she needs. She needs a man with integrity, and she also needs you to quit the porn. She sees this porn, rightfully, as a breach of the sanctity of your relationship. You don't need or deserve other intimate people in your relationship, either as flesh-and-blood bodies or as images. You don't need porn--nobody does--and it serves no useful purpose in your life (getting your rocks off is not a useful purpose). With a gf and children, I'm certain there are many other better things for you to do.



Seeing that you cannot control your mouse and joystick, I wonder what else you might be addicted to? Is it difficult for you to stop doing other things that hurt you and others? The problem here is addiction, and if you are serious about making amends, you will need to make an end of all addictions in your life.



But even more is required, if you are going to show your gf that you are serious about being responsible. You will need to end all your negative behaviors, whatever they are. Do you tune her out? Do you complain about doing things you don't like to do? Do you dawdle or delay in completing your responsibilities? Are you truly involved with your childrens' lives, that is, do you support and participate in the activities and interests of your children? Your unceasingly integrous thoughts, words and deeds are the minimum required here.



Your gf is responding intuitively and accurately to your apologies and gifts. It's known in professional circles, and by intellgent women, that people who do wrong and apologize guiltily after the fact are really just participating in a sort of cycle of addiction%26gt; crisis%26gt; remorse%26gt; cooldown%26gt; rinse and repeat. Good for her for doing what is necessary to protect her and the children from somebody who is possibly more dangerous than he realizes himself.



Frankly brother, you need to be broken and rebuilt. Thank her for striking the crushing blow. It wasn't easy for her either you know. Why don't you go check out a 12-step group for sex addicts? Not that I'm 100% crazy about such things, but you might learn something useful. One of the worst things about broken trust is that there is no way of making amends. In the meantime, you will need to remain usefully involved in your childrens' lives, and you will need to cease all viewing of porn and all other opportunistic sexual activity, even if you no longer have a sexual partner.



Like others have said here, time might be the only thing that works. And all the while, you will need to shine like the sun. I do wish you the best with this, but you also need to see that there are severe consequences for being uncooperative and untrustworthy.
Reply:i had the same thing done to me. and it really feels like your world has caved in on you. it took me about 2 years to get that trust back. i felt i had that trust i had with him again then he completely destroyed it again last year when i caught him doing something that he should not have been. he really crushed me and i could not feel a single bone in my body, i wanted the ground to open and swallow me. all i kept thinking was how could some one who promised me that he would never do anything like that again.i felt so humiliated and i was sure i was not enough for him other wise why would he being this.this time i am not sure about how long it will take for me to trust him.

why do men have to do so stupid things like this, especially when they know it will hurt their partner.



IT WONT MATTER TO YOUR GF HOW MANY GIFTS YOU BUY HER NOR WILL IT MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY YOUR SORRY. SHE MIGHT GET OVER IT IN TIME BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE YOU NEED TO GIVE HER THIS. AND REMEMBER TO BE VERY PATIENT WITH HER CAUSE SHE WILL NEED TO GET HER HEAD AROUND THIS AND ALSO DECIDE IN WHERE SHE WANTS TO GO FROM HERE.



BUT REASSURE HER THAT YOU LOVE HER AND IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. AND KEEP DOING THIS.
Reply:Write her a letter and back off a little - give her some time to think. just be there for ur son. Rob is right - about time - just be patient. let her go for now. Why did you feel the need to be dishonest anyway - is she that bad u can't talk to her?
Reply:If you have a son together, there is still that little voice in her heart that is telling her to make it work with you. If looking at porn was the only thing that showed you as dishonest, in other words, if you don't have a long history of dishonesty, then your chances are good. What she found out upset her a lot, but when a girl gets passionately upset in the moment, the last thing she wants is a million apologies and gifts. What you need to say is something like "You know (name), I sincerely apologize from my heart, and if you need some time or space to forgive me, I understand. I love you." Then leave it at that and let her come to you. When guys make mistakes, sometimes women can get so frustrated that they can't stand the sight of you. She will come around.
Reply:you r right ... actions speak louder than words ... but u need to start with words first ... sit down with her and tell her that u r really sorry for wot u did and ask her for a chance and she has to trust u ... dont behave any differently by giving her gifts etc cos that means u r still guilty for wot u did ... instead u shud b normal with her talk to her and support her ...
Reply:If you have fallen into this bad habit of looking at porn, apologized, fell again, apologized kind of thing then you have probably destroyed the relationship. She probably thinks you are trying to buy her love and trust back but the bottom line is you can't buy trust. Trust is earned and with this lady you have probably lost the relationship. You need to get into or remain in counseling and get your life together so the trust issue will never be an issue in the next relationship. Guys are visual so you will need to step up to the plate and stay in counseling and start making better choices of how you spend your time. STOP looking at porn. Wish you well.
Reply:Show her that you have removed all the porn from your pc, show her your bank statements and credit card bills so she can see that you are not paying for it. You need to try to get her to spend some time with you so you can pamper her.



You can pretty much guarantee that she feels humiliated and that she is clearly not enough for you because you look at porn. We both know that is not necessarily the case as most guys look at porn.



You need to show her that she is the only one for you, the problem is getting her to spend enough time with you to do it.



Good luck, and remember fortune favours the bold.
Reply:I think the answer to this question lies in "time."

It will take some time for her to accept that you have changed (if you have) and that you regret your actions (which you obviously do).

When she sees you are in it for the long haul and not just the quick fix, she may come around.

To build trust in any relationship (personal, business or otherwise), the best method is to under promise and over deliver. Think about that one for a while. Because the worst thing you can do is the opposite of that.